Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Archive for May, 2008

Yeah, I still love him… & I’m smiling again!!!

We did it! Right now I am so happy that I cried! My husband and I made love just like we used to, and we both achieved an orgasm! Seems like something so common, but it really gives me hope.

This time, he tried. He held back and made certain that I was enjoying things also. It was not as powerful as it has been, but it was powerful enough! ūüôā although he did scare me with the magnitude of his release!

What happened to change the course of events, I do not know. All I know is that I had left a message with the kids to tell him that he had to call his mom because, her house was broken into. I had to take our oldest son to The Men’s Warehouse to pick up the tux for tomorrow nights prom. His girlfriends prom is tomorrow. Anyway when we get back, my husbands truck is still in the parking area of our home. I go in and climb up the stairs to our bedroom, and ask him what was going on with his mother. He tells me that it was the other house and not the one she is living in and that he was waiting for me to get home before he left. He was in the office, doing homework. I entered the office and gave him a kiss on the cheek. as I turned to leave, he grabed my hand and stood up. He then proceeded to tell me how good I looked, and pulled me to him and kissed me. A deep sensual kiss. My knees buckled, as I was not expecting this. I kissed him back and he began to run his hands up and down my back, until he captured my head in his hamds and made sure that I melted! He mumbled something about having to check on his mother, and I mumbled something back about it bieng okay for him to leave. But he didn’t move away from me, instead his hands went underneath my shirt and the rest is blissful history!

We talked afterwards, about how hurt I still am, but how much I still love him. He tried to reassure me that he loves only me, and I think that I believe him. He says that he is trying to understand that the magnitude of the pain I feel is not something that I will get over easily, but that he wants to let me know that I am the only person he ever wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He asked me to once again, to forgive him. He said that he does not understand his idiocy, and why he would have done something that he knew would hurt me if I ever found out. He says that he loves me, and yeah, I still love him!

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Yeah I still love him…Part 4~The things I contemplated in order to “Pay Him Back”!

When I first statred this blog, I was not quite sure where it would take me, and I still am wondering. But, it seems that this has given me a very much needed avenue in which to vent my feelings and to express my hurts. My husband is not aware of this blog, and I am not to sure he would be appreciative of it. But none-the-less, I am writing it, and sorry Bri, but “our dirty laundry”, which you did not want aired has been killing me! You are not there for me to talk to about these things, because your response is always one of anger because I haven’t “gotten over it” and I will hold your indiscretions over your head until the day we die.¬† I hope that this will not be the case, and that eventually,¬†the pain will heal, but for now, it is a continual painful throb, that seems to have dominated every moment of my life. This blog is the only way that I could find to¬†help release myself from the helplessness I feel¬†while dealing with the agony of deceit.

In this vain I¬†believe tht this weblog is much better than the alternatives I had contemplated these past few months. This weblog is not intended to¬†“Pay Him Back”, but the things I began were.

The first sign of deception was pop ups from porn sites, and the computer catching all kinds of viruses. Then, there were the late into the night visits to the computer because “He could not sleep.” so, one morning after he left for work I accessed his side of the¬†computer, and sure enough, Porn site 1,¬†porn site2, porn site 3, etc. well, I resoned to myself, that’s not all THAT bad. I mean, some of the things I saw him viewing looked quite interesting, and well, I’m not a prude! I wasn’t very angry, so he liked a little striptease dancing. We’ve done it before, I’ll just give it to him that way more often.

But then one night after what I thought was a glorious bout of lovemaking, {from his intensity, it was assumed to be a valid thought that he too was more than satisfied}, He climbs out of bed and heads straight to the office and computer. In the morning, I found out htat he went directly to the porn site! You mean I was not enough for him?!!! Even after what we did last night!!!!!

So I began to cruise the porn sites myself, “I hope that he finds out!” How will HE feel, when he sees that I am being turned on by other men? But it didn’t make me feel any better. Perhaps, because I would delete my visits so that when mychildren used the computer they would not see where I had been. He never had to worry about tht on his side because the kids never went on his side. It has always been understood that his side was only accessible to him, even if he did not have a password. So when, I found out tht he visited one site regularly, I decided to become a member and aposter to this site. I went so far as to create an alias, and submit homemade videos and self portraits! They were posted for apx. 1 minute before I threw up and deleted my account and any evidence that I had even enrolled.

After, I found out that he was involved with another relationship, I began to look up old boyfriends. Men I hadn’t seen in over 15 years, and had no idea if they were even still alive. Did not get too far with that one neither. Felt like I was betraying myself.

I went on chat lines, just as an observer, never crossed over into anything other than that, but I was tempted.

You see, it did not matter to me that he had hurt me. It did not matter that I hated him. Somehow, somewhere, even if it was buried deep down below the ruins of my crushed heart, I knew that I still loved him.

Pathetic huh?

I share a part in this problem too

In yesterdays posting¬†I wrote another part to my saga on my marital problems with¬†my husband. It was entiltled “Yeah, I still love him part 3…but is my love going to be enough?”. Well, last night I thought about the problem that we are having in the sex arena of our life, and I saw that, I too am part of the problem.

You see, our intimacy fiasco did not actually begin AFTER I found out that he was having an affair, it began years before. I am the type of female that loves to snuggle with her partner both in private and in public. I am not saying that I want to grope my husband while standing in the check out line at the grocery store, but there were times when standing there, looking at him, I desired to go up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and inhale his scent. His scent is such an aphrodisiac for me, that there are times when after everyone has left for school and he for work, that I will just lie down on his side of the bed and inhale the scent of him that he left behind.

Well, my husband, after we had been married for a few years, seemed to become embarrassed at such a display of affection. It even extends to when we are at home. It seemed to be okay for him to come up to me while I am in the kitchen, washing dishes or preparing a meal, and to set me on the sink and try to undress me, right in front of the kitchen window, no less. But if I came up to him and fondled him while he was in the living room reaching for a book off of the bookshelf, he would push me away with an “We’re in the LIVING ROOM!” I don’t understand what difference the living room windows and the kitchen windows make, only that one is an objection from me and the other from him.

Okay, as I said, I am an affectionate woman, I love to kiss, and just because I kiss you, does not mean that I am ready to, at that precise moment, tear your clothes off and ravage you. But, it can mean that “Tonight baby, we are going to explode!” For me it is a very necessary form of foreplay. But it hasn’t been the type that my husband wishes to indulge in, and I have been pushed away from him on numerous occasions when I have approached him this way.¬† He seems to only want the foreplay to occur in the bed.

I say that, because of the rejections I have recieved over the years, and the finding out about the extra-marital affair he had, I too share in this problem. Now, when a sexual encounter might be initiated, I do not give myself freely to him. I tense up out of fear of being rejected. I envision his relationship with “the other woman”, and my heart seems to become a massive stone within me. In my mind I want to give unto my husband unashamedly, but I feel unclean. When I am at home all day, and I long for his touch, I approach him with fear, and¬† with a “knowledge”, that either, he will not want my touch or that¬†he will get his enjoyment or release, and I will be here in this continual state of heightened sexual frustration!

My mental outlook as to what I will encounter during our love making, or the rejections I have faced could very well, be the reason that I have not achieved an orgasm with my husband, and that is why I can say…

“I share a part in this problem too.”

Yeah, I still love him…Part 3 but is my love going to be enough?

This is my third post on this topic. But today I am going to write on a more intimate subject. My husband is eight years my senior, he will soon be 50 and at the end of the year, I will turn 42. Our entire relationship we have had a very satisfactory sex life. It was not for this reason that he stepped outside of our marriage. I am not meaning to boast about my ability to please my husband sexually, but I am not shy when it comes to expressing my sensuality and I never was so with my husband.¬† As of the last two months however, my husband has not been able to control his orgasms. It seems as if quite soon after my body begins to rise to a point of stimulation, that in times past, would push both of us into wanting to pleasure the other more, my husband will ask me not to move my hips like that, because he will let go. Well, of course I want the lovemaking to last a bit longer, so I pull back, and let him do the moving. Well, needless to say, this takes away from my pleasure.¬† So, I just lay there, feeling like a peice of meat, and then he screams and it’s over.

Not, only that, but the frequency of sex has declined also. I am still a young woman, and I would like to make love more than three times a month. He swears that he has no other sex partners, and I want to believe him. But it is hard to understand how he has so quickly gone from a man who could have my body tremor for hours after our lovemaking, and one who wanted to make love almost nightly, turn into a man who cannot even take me near a point of excited anticipation of an orgasim!And this happened in less than two weeks time. It really did happen that way. We made love one Sunday evening, then my cycle started that Monday morning. That Saturday, he could not hold back his ejaculation, and ad since then, when I would try to initiate any sexual contact he would pull away.

When I finally brought it up to him about how frustrated I was(and still am), he angrily said,”Well, I AM 50 years old!” “What? Am I¬†not satisfying you? If not then I’m sorry!” That’s when I started to cry. Because he did not say it as if he really was concerned about my not being satisfied. I did not want to bring up my frustration to him, because I was afraid that it might hurt his ego. You know men are very sensitive about thier ability to perform. I thought that I had tactfully brought the subject up and was as sensitive about what and how I said what I did. The sad thing is, is that he has not tried to ensure my pleasure neither.

We had this “conversation” two weeks ago, and had sex once since then. Really dissappointing for me. He claims that he tried to wake me up when he came to bed after doing his school work last night. I told him that I was aware of his “attempt”, and that¬†one rub of his hand over my backside was not much of an attempt to me, because when I adjusted my nightgown and turned to him, he had already turned his back to me. Great attempt huh?

Yeah, I still love him, but is My love going to be enough?

Carlal.

 

SUCCULENT ROAST BEEF WITH POTATOS ~ a recipe from my kitchen

I love to cook, and I consider myself to be an amatuer chef of sorts. I plan on eventually, going to culinary school, after my husband finishes with his education. We have dreams of opening our own restaurant. I have posted on other blog websites several of my recipes and I go by the name of “Mama Carla” or “Mama C”.¬† I thought that someone out here on wordpress might want a great recipe for Roast Beef, and since I am preparing it for our dinner tonight, I thought that I would share it with you!

SUCCULENT ROAST BEEF WITH POTATOS

 

You will need: 

3-4 LB BEEF ROAST,

 2 GARLIC CLOVES CUT IN HALF LENGTH-WISE,

2 teaspoons ONION POWDER,

 2 teaspoons GARLIC POWDER,

2 teaspoons SEASON SALT,

1 ¬Ĺ¬† teaspoon COARSELY GROUND BLACK PEPPER,

 6 MEDIUM RED POTATOES CUT INTO QUARTERS (leave skin on)

 

After cleaning roast, place on chopping board, take sharp knife insert several times into roast.

Place the  halved garlic cloves inside slits  you just made.  Shake garlic  and onion powder onto both sides of meat, rub in. Next,  shake on pepper and season salt, again rub it in.

¬† Place seasoned meat in roasting pan, cover tightly with aluminum foil and place into ‚Äėfridge. [remember, this allows the season to get deep into the meat] You can let it stay in the refridgerator¬† for 30 minutes or¬† all day if you‚Äôd like.

 

When you are ready to cook your meat, gently uncover aluminum foil and add 2 inches of water to roasting pan, recover tightly with aluminum foil and place into pre-heated 325 degree oven.

 Cook for 30 minutes for each pound. During the last 15 minutes remove roast from oven, uncover & baste with  juice from the roast.

 Add quarted potatos around roast, making sure that they rest in the juice.

 

Recover tightly with aluminum foil and place back into oven for last 15 minutes.

Remove from oven, let sit covered for 10-15 minutes and you are ready to slice and  serve.

I hope you enjoy this recipe.

Carlal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jobless and Frustrated

It’s another Tuesday, and I am deeply frustrated! I have been searching for a job since January without any luck!¬† You see, I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 18 years, and it seems as if perspective employers do not appreciate this lapse in my employment history. Especially since I do not have a college degree. It does not seem to matter that I was an army reservist and that I was trained as an administrative specialist (secretary). It does not seem as if I can make my resume appealing enough for anyone to employe me.¬† What makes it worse, is trying to apply for positions online.¬† It seems as if each time I get to the level of education, and I enter some college course work completed, and not an associates degree, I get booted off of the system.¬† So I tried the old way, and started pounding the pavement, but all of the major corporations just tell me that I must apply online. Most of the smaller businesses, are already staffed, or my computer knowledge is not up to date. When I was working back in the late 80’s, there were not programs such as excel and powerpoint. Most of you are probably saying, then go back to school. If it were that easy. I have eight children, seven of which are still at home all under the age of seventeen.¬† My husband lost a good paying job last August,¬†and his new job brings in almost less than one-third of our previous income. He also did not finish his college degree, so he is now in school, trying to make himself more marketable. We just cannot afford for both of us to be in school.

I had worked last year at the local Dunkin’ donuts, but when I started noticing that things were getting worse in my marriage and the way in which it was affecting my children, I quit, thinking that if I was at home again, things would get better between my husband and I.¬† In the past whenever I would seek employment outside of the home, there was a HUGE objection, from my husband, and even though he did not complain about it this time, he carried an attitude that I could not discern from where it came. Anyways dealing with this seemed to affect my health and I began to have anxiety attacks, which would make me ahve to leave from work early.¬† So, after discussing it with my husband, about my health and the children’s school grades declining, he okayed my returning home as a stay at home mom. Even though my woring full time was not the cause of our problems, which I later found out, none the less, we are now at a point where our family is in desperate need of another income, and so I am out there job hunting.

I would rather work in an office setting, but since that is not coming to fruition, I have begun applying in retail. The major pullback there is the fact that even though during the interviews the perspective employer seems eager to hire me, I never get a call back. I really believe that it is because of my Sabbath day observence. I faithfully observe Sunday’s as a day of rest In the LORD, and in honoring of my GOD, I do not work on Sundays. All of the jobs which I have interviewed for in the retail field stress that I must be available to work weekends. I am more than willing to work Saturdays, but that does not seem to matter much.

Really, I do not know what to do anymore!  I am so totally frustrated that I just want to cry, but tears will not change a single thing.

Anyways, this si my story and that is why I called it “Jobless and Frustrated”

Carlal.

 

Yeah, I still Love him…2

 

Yeah, I still Love him..

Yesterday, I began my blog on what is recent in my marriage. I would like to thank those of you who want to give me support and encouragement. I think that I would like to continue¬† on this topic for a little while. My first blog that I posted after, the initial “Hello world” was on the desruction of the world. Well, it was a thought that was actually inspired by what I am personally facing.

Yes, my husband has stepped outside of our marriage, and yes, we are still together. I can’t help it, I really do love the guy!¬† He may be many¬† of the things that come to mind when you think of an unfaithful spouse, especially, when the other party has been Nothing but faithful, the entire relationship, but he is still the man I love. At times that makes me sad. It makes me sad because, I can not understand the “why’s” of it all.

I have read marriage counseling books, and they all tell me that I might never understand the “why”. But it seems essential for me to do so.¬† I need to know if it is something that I am doing wrong. Where is it in my life that I am lacking that makes him feel that he has a need to go outside of our marriage in order to feel complete?¬† I might have just foud out in January that he has been cheating for two years (or better), but I have known for some time that things just were not right.

We have had classes in our church on marriage and strenghtening them, I attended them. I have spoken with friends and even my husband to find out what it was about me that I could change to bring my husband and I closer together.¬† My husband used to say that I was not submissive. I believed him. So I read up on the meaning of submission to one’s spouse and found out a lot about myself.¬† It was true that I was not submissive to the point that I never let¬†him know that I had a different opinion than he did. But I DID¬† recognize that as the man, he was the head of the household, and that I had to respect him as such. I also found out that being submissinve DID NOT MEAN that I was to be a doormat.

My husband seems to have a problem with strong women. He will deny it, but it really is very obvious in the way that he speaks to and about women.  Most of the time, I do not think that he CAN  recognize that he has an obversion to women in power. And as a result, whenever I would attempt to exert my right to an opinion or view that was in contradiction to his opinion or view, I, in his sight, was trying to dominate him, or to be the man.

Perhaps it was for this reason, that he found himself searching for someone to¬† make him feel like a man. I don’t know, because in my sight he has always been a man. My husband was when I first met him, as I have often told him”The definition of MAN. If webster dictionary had a picture by the definition of “man”, then there his image would be.”

It was not only his physical characteristics, but hsi sensitivity towards me, as we were dating. His chivalrous ways. The way he would stick up for me with my family, (there was a point when things were strained in my family relationships when we began dating). And yes, even the way he aroused me sexually. No man before him made me feel the way that he did. Where I was weak, he gave me strength. When he was not there, I felt incomplete. He was my Adam, and I thought that I was his Eve.

Yeah, I still Love him….