Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Yeah, I still love him…Part 3 but is my love going to be enough?

This is my third post on this topic. But today I am going to write on a more intimate subject. My husband is eight years my senior, he will soon be 50 and at the end of the year, I will turn 42. Our entire relationship we have had a very satisfactory sex life. It was not for this reason that he stepped outside of our marriage. I am not meaning to boast about my ability to please my husband sexually, but I am not shy when it comes to expressing my sensuality and I never was so with my husband.  As of the last two months however, my husband has not been able to control his orgasms. It seems as if quite soon after my body begins to rise to a point of stimulation, that in times past, would push both of us into wanting to pleasure the other more, my husband will ask me not to move my hips like that, because he will let go. Well, of course I want the lovemaking to last a bit longer, so I pull back, and let him do the moving. Well, needless to say, this takes away from my pleasure.  So, I just lay there, feeling like a peice of meat, and then he screams and it’s over.

Not, only that, but the frequency of sex has declined also. I am still a young woman, and I would like to make love more than three times a month. He swears that he has no other sex partners, and I want to believe him. But it is hard to understand how he has so quickly gone from a man who could have my body tremor for hours after our lovemaking, and one who wanted to make love almost nightly, turn into a man who cannot even take me near a point of excited anticipation of an orgasim!And this happened in less than two weeks time. It really did happen that way. We made love one Sunday evening, then my cycle started that Monday morning. That Saturday, he could not hold back his ejaculation, and ad since then, when I would try to initiate any sexual contact he would pull away.

When I finally brought it up to him about how frustrated I was(and still am), he angrily said,”Well, I AM 50 years old!” “What? Am I not satisfying you? If not then I’m sorry!” That’s when I started to cry. Because he did not say it as if he really was concerned about my not being satisfied. I did not want to bring up my frustration to him, because I was afraid that it might hurt his ego. You know men are very sensitive about thier ability to perform. I thought that I had tactfully brought the subject up and was as sensitive about what and how I said what I did. The sad thing is, is that he has not tried to ensure my pleasure neither.

We had this “conversation” two weeks ago, and had sex once since then. Really dissappointing for me. He claims that he tried to wake me up when he came to bed after doing his school work last night. I told him that I was aware of his “attempt”, and that one rub of his hand over my backside was not much of an attempt to me, because when I adjusted my nightgown and turned to him, he had already turned his back to me. Great attempt huh?

Yeah, I still love him, but is My love going to be enough?





  Rob Fleming wrote @

Hello Carlal,

Thanks for visiting my blog and your comments. Having now had a chance to read some of your blogs I must say you are very articulate and an intriguing read, I hope you’ll continue on on this, and of work to uncover what is at the core of your frustrations in this marriage.

I have added your blog to my blogroll.

  carlal wrote @

Thanks for the compliments. I must say that I AM searching for what is at the core of these marital frustrations. I KNOW that it cannot all be onesided{blaming my husband’s lack of integrity & such}. I have to look deeper inside of myself and that is a scary prosect at times, and a very difficult thing to do.

  soozque wrote @

Your blog makes me want to cry. I wake up everyday in deep regret over my choice to look for emotional love outside of my 12 year marriage. I’m that “woman” who chose to violate the sanctity of marriage. Worse, I’m a Christian, fully aware of the consequences. Not to make excuses, for the sake of covering my own arse, but I do have an excuse. I felt like I was dying on the vine. Hurting for years on the inside and had a husband who refused to accept I needed a soul/helpmate. I love him. I do, but I need that same emotional, communicative response to survive.
Can I say again, before the hurling of cyber space stones begins, I DEEPLY regret what I did. When I look in the mirror, I fight the voices that call out from inside “you’re a dirty, lying, cheating, whore.” My husband, Lord love him, knows I feel this way about what I did, and says “you aren’t. You made a mistake and it hurts deeply, but I love you, and we can work through this.
I also feel anquish over what I did to the man I was involved with. I know he’s fighting demons. But more than that, I hurt for his wife. I wish I could take it all back, but I know I can’t. All I can hope for is healing. And that someday, when we meet on the otherside, she will be able to say, I forgive you for what you did. I don’t deserve it, but I do believe in the love of Christ. And deserve it or not, Forgiveness is what’s in store.
Thank you for your blog and inspiration. And as a former cheater, I’m sorry for the hurt people like me have caused women like you.
God Bless.

  carlal wrote @

I ask you NOT to beat yourself up for what happened. Even, I as the “victim”, pray that my husband would not beat himself up{at least not for too long!} I understand the need for emotional, communicative support from ones husband. But the lack of it does not give us justification on adulterous relationships. There are no “good” reasons for such an action, and I am sure that you recognize that, and that is why you are so hard on yourself even after your husband has forgiven you.
I urge you to speak with your husband about the “whys” of your previous actions, and for the two of you to seek counseling so tht this does not become a reoccurring episode in your lives.
You see, my husband, never “believed” in counseling, and the two sessions we had with our pastor, has not helped reconcile the vaste void in our relationship. I am tired of asking for our return to counseling, and that is mainly why I have started blogging as I have.
I am determined however, to get counseling for myself. I have an appointment scheduled for monday to speak with our family doctor, and get a referral from her on marital counsel.
I thank you for your apology, only you do not owe me one. I pray for you and others who cannot see that the vows that they made before God, to their spouse, are perhaps the
most serious that one could make. And when you break that vow it is more than possible, almost MOST PROBABLE, that you have killed a part of the person, you love or once loved, tht cna never be fully resurrected.

  soozque wrote @

Yeah, we’ve talked about the “whys.” My actions were such a shock to him, sometimes I think he still doesn’t really believe it happened. On the counseling, I’ve tried and haven’t found someone I can trust and he’s not going to press the issue. I tried three different counselors and a shrink only to be sized up and told what to do after two sessions. There’s a whole lotta emotional baggage only I can sort through, but the positive in all of this is my realization of my need for the Great Physician. You know what I mean? I’ve turned it all over, this week actually after seeing what I’ve done in writing. There’s something about being a “fly on the wall” so to speak, that can get a genuinely good person (which I mostly am) to see the error in her ways.
I’m trying to not beat myself up, as you say. But sometimes I wonder when the stone throwers will brand my chest with that shameful red letter A. But I guess it’s not the world I should worry over. It’s mine and my husbands soul.
I just hope I can continue the rest of my life doing good. And no harm.
Bless you so much, for your wisdom and your words.

  John wrote @

Good for you in seeking some help for yourself if you can’t both go. And good luck.

A note of caution from a decidedly non-expert/fellow seeker: there are lots of reasons to not “believe in” marriage counseling and some of them are quite good. I can’t find the reference right now, but an outgoing president of one of the professional associations wrote a scary article titled something like “marriage counseling may be hazardous to your health and happiness” or something close to that.

From my reading, the best research based info comes from John Gottman at the U of Washingtonin Seattle. The traditional better-communication, work through your past hurts model hasn’t worked out too well for most people.

So I hope your doctor is up to speed on what’s most effective now. AndI hope that you can get the fats and get your husband in there with you quickly. Maybe he’d take a look at something by Gottman?

I think lots of us guys are afraid that we’ll get in a room with a female therapist and our wife and it will be two to one against us.

The fear of being the bad guy can be pretty big. Or at least that’s my paranoid take on it. lol

Good for you for doing somethng. It may help. It may not. But if you just keep doing what you’re doing,you will just keep getting
what you are getting.

  carlal wrote @

Well, our family doctor practices in a Chiristian Family Facility, andI used a therapist they recommended when I was going through post partum depression after I gave birth to my fouth child. It helped, although, they prescribed anti-depressants, I did not like those at all, and stpooed taking them rather quickly.
I really, believe that my husbands objections to therapy fall more to the fact that he does not like to do deep soul searching. He likes to look at sinful acts as “sins of the natural man”. even though this is true, there are times when you have to delve into the “why’s” of the way which you behave. I am not trying to change my husband, I know that it is me that I must change. I must understand why I accepted the things that I did from the begining of our relationship and come to terms with the fact that I DID ACCEPT THEM. Then I must figure out how to change, so that I no longer accept the things that truly hurt me, and yet remain the submissive, respectful, loving wife that I want to be.

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