Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Yeah I still love him…Part 4~The things I contemplated in order to “Pay Him Back”!

When I first statred this blog, I was not quite sure where it would take me, and I still am wondering. But, it seems that this has given me a very much needed avenue in which to vent my feelings and to express my hurts. My husband is not aware of this blog, and I am not to sure he would be appreciative of it. But none-the-less, I am writing it, and sorry Bri, but “our dirty laundry”, which you did not want aired has been killing me! You are not there for me to talk to about these things, because your response is always one of anger because I haven’t “gotten over it” and I will hold your indiscretions over your head until the day we die.  I hope that this will not be the case, and that eventually, the pain will heal, but for now, it is a continual painful throb, that seems to have dominated every moment of my life. This blog is the only way that I could find to help release myself from the helplessness I feel while dealing with the agony of deceit.

In this vain I believe tht this weblog is much better than the alternatives I had contemplated these past few months. This weblog is not intended to “Pay Him Back”, but the things I began were.

The first sign of deception was pop ups from porn sites, and the computer catching all kinds of viruses. Then, there were the late into the night visits to the computer because “He could not sleep.” so, one morning after he left for work I accessed his side of the computer, and sure enough, Porn site 1, porn site2, porn site 3, etc. well, I resoned to myself, that’s not all THAT bad. I mean, some of the things I saw him viewing looked quite interesting, and well, I’m not a prude! I wasn’t very angry, so he liked a little striptease dancing. We’ve done it before, I’ll just give it to him that way more often.

But then one night after what I thought was a glorious bout of lovemaking, {from his intensity, it was assumed to be a valid thought that he too was more than satisfied}, He climbs out of bed and heads straight to the office and computer. In the morning, I found out htat he went directly to the porn site! You mean I was not enough for him?!!! Even after what we did last night!!!!!

So I began to cruise the porn sites myself, “I hope that he finds out!” How will HE feel, when he sees that I am being turned on by other men? But it didn’t make me feel any better. Perhaps, because I would delete my visits so that when mychildren used the computer they would not see where I had been. He never had to worry about tht on his side because the kids never went on his side. It has always been understood that his side was only accessible to him, even if he did not have a password. So when, I found out tht he visited one site regularly, I decided to become a member and aposter to this site. I went so far as to create an alias, and submit homemade videos and self portraits! They were posted for apx. 1 minute before I threw up and deleted my account and any evidence that I had even enrolled.

After, I found out that he was involved with another relationship, I began to look up old boyfriends. Men I hadn’t seen in over 15 years, and had no idea if they were even still alive. Did not get too far with that one neither. Felt like I was betraying myself.

I went on chat lines, just as an observer, never crossed over into anything other than that, but I was tempted.

You see, it did not matter to me that he had hurt me. It did not matter that I hated him. Somehow, somewhere, even if it was buried deep down below the ruins of my crushed heart, I knew that I still loved him.

Pathetic huh?

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2 Comments»

  textbookhusband wrote @

Carlal,

Speaking as a man, I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s wrong with my species. We carve out private spaces in our lives, and fill them with such smut. For me, porn was a gateway to the real thing. I had heard people say that could happen, but never believed them. Not me, I said. I love my wife. It’s okay to look, as long as you don’t touch. But as soon as a young lady in my office showed me attention, my brain turned off and my libido kicked in. Even when I began a sexual affair, I knew I still loved my wife. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

The point is, it sounds like you still have problems in your home. If I may say so, porn should be off-limits to your husband, and as a show of faith, he should relinquish all accounts and passwords to you, so you can check from time to time. It sounds harsh, I know, but if your husband wants to regain your trust, he can do this as a gesture. It’s what I’ve done for my wife.

Finally, I understand your urge to retaliate. My wife has threatened to “step out” on me on several occasions…just to get me back. I will tell you what I have told her. Be careful of what you ask for. It’s not the fun activity that most people imagine. I feel dirty and disgusting after what I did.

I enjoy your blog. I, too, have added you to my blogroll. You are the first and only so far. Keep on writing!

T.H.

  carlal wrote @

T.H.,
I really appreciate that you have the heart to air to the world the wrong that you committed against your wife. to me it shows that you are trully repentent of your actions. Not that those who do not go onto the internet and let the world know what they have done are not repentant, but in your case, it is admirable. I do not know how long it has been since you came clean to your wife, and ended your elicit affair, but I am glad for your sake that you did end it. It seems obvious to me tht you do love your wife, and if she is still there, that she loves you in return.
As for being careful of what I ask for, I understand. I thought that I wanted to “Pay my husband back”, but more than wanting revenge, I wanted, and still want, my husband back! I never believed that two wrongs could make right, and more than a need I had for hurting him, I had, and still have a need to love and to respect myself.
Thanks for the encouragement, and I am flattered that you choose my blogg to be the first on your blogroll.
Carlal.


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