Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Archive for religion

Yeah, I still Love him…2

 

Yeah, I still Love him..

Yesterday, I began my blog on what is recent in my marriage. I would like to thank those of you who want to give me support and encouragement. I think that I would like to continue  on this topic for a little while. My first blog that I posted after, the initial “Hello world” was on the desruction of the world. Well, it was a thought that was actually inspired by what I am personally facing.

Yes, my husband has stepped outside of our marriage, and yes, we are still together. I can’t help it, I really do love the guy!  He may be many  of the things that come to mind when you think of an unfaithful spouse, especially, when the other party has been Nothing but faithful, the entire relationship, but he is still the man I love. At times that makes me sad. It makes me sad because, I can not understand the “why’s” of it all.

I have read marriage counseling books, and they all tell me that I might never understand the “why”. But it seems essential for me to do so.  I need to know if it is something that I am doing wrong. Where is it in my life that I am lacking that makes him feel that he has a need to go outside of our marriage in order to feel complete?  I might have just foud out in January that he has been cheating for two years (or better), but I have known for some time that things just were not right.

We have had classes in our church on marriage and strenghtening them, I attended them. I have spoken with friends and even my husband to find out what it was about me that I could change to bring my husband and I closer together.  My husband used to say that I was not submissive. I believed him. So I read up on the meaning of submission to one’s spouse and found out a lot about myself.  It was true that I was not submissive to the point that I never let him know that I had a different opinion than he did. But I DID  recognize that as the man, he was the head of the household, and that I had to respect him as such. I also found out that being submissinve DID NOT MEAN that I was to be a doormat.

My husband seems to have a problem with strong women. He will deny it, but it really is very obvious in the way that he speaks to and about women.  Most of the time, I do not think that he CAN  recognize that he has an obversion to women in power. And as a result, whenever I would attempt to exert my right to an opinion or view that was in contradiction to his opinion or view, I, in his sight, was trying to dominate him, or to be the man.

Perhaps it was for this reason, that he found himself searching for someone to  make him feel like a man. I don’t know, because in my sight he has always been a man. My husband was when I first met him, as I have often told him”The definition of MAN. If webster dictionary had a picture by the definition of “man”, then there his image would be.”

It was not only his physical characteristics, but hsi sensitivity towards me, as we were dating. His chivalrous ways. The way he would stick up for me with my family, (there was a point when things were strained in my family relationships when we began dating). And yes, even the way he aroused me sexually. No man before him made me feel the way that he did. Where I was weak, he gave me strength. When he was not there, I felt incomplete. He was my Adam, and I thought that I was his Eve.

Yeah, I still Love him….

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Yeah, I still Love him…

If you have read anything at all on my weblog, you know that I am married. And you might have even gathered that I am dealing with the fact that my husband has had an affair. He claims that it was only via the internet, yet I do not know if I can really believe him. The fact that he stepped outside of our marriage to another woman period, has undermined any trust that he is truthful with me.

If he would have ended all contact with her the night he found out that I knew about his secret, and had not just cried and pleaded for forgiveness. Then perhaps I could trust him. Even if he had ended things the second time I found out he was still in contact with her. But now, after the third time, do I trust him? Of course not. But do I love him?

Yeah, I still love him….

Carlal

A world headed for destruction~an age old disease!

In todays society there is a prevailing theme that has destoyed way too many lives.  It is a thought that is inherent in almost, if not all, of our minds, regardless of race, culture or economic status. And it is traced back to the fall of man.

Yes, it first reared its ugly head in the garden of Eden, to the father and mother of all mankind.  It is a very vulgar mindset that has given birth to all of the other defects of the human race. Because of this mindset that is deeply ingrained into man(and woman), societies values and morality is facing such a crisis that many think that there is no return to a world where right is right and wrong is wrong.

There is a disease in the souls of mankind that has to be identified and in my next few posts I will do exactly that.

Carlal.