Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Archive for adultry

Yeah I still love him…Part 4~The things I contemplated in order to “Pay Him Back”!

When I first statred this blog, I was not quite sure where it would take me, and I still am wondering. But, it seems that this has given me a very much needed avenue in which to vent my feelings and to express my hurts. My husband is not aware of this blog, and I am not to sure he would be appreciative of it. But none-the-less, I am writing it, and sorry Bri, but “our dirty laundry”, which you did not want aired has been killing me! You are not there for me to talk to about these things, because your response is always one of anger because I haven’t “gotten over it” and I will hold your indiscretions over your head until the day we die.  I hope that this will not be the case, and that eventually, the pain will heal, but for now, it is a continual painful throb, that seems to have dominated every moment of my life. This blog is the only way that I could find to help release myself from the helplessness I feel while dealing with the agony of deceit.

In this vain I believe tht this weblog is much better than the alternatives I had contemplated these past few months. This weblog is not intended to “Pay Him Back”, but the things I began were.

The first sign of deception was pop ups from porn sites, and the computer catching all kinds of viruses. Then, there were the late into the night visits to the computer because “He could not sleep.” so, one morning after he left for work I accessed his side of the computer, and sure enough, Porn site 1, porn site2, porn site 3, etc. well, I resoned to myself, that’s not all THAT bad. I mean, some of the things I saw him viewing looked quite interesting, and well, I’m not a prude! I wasn’t very angry, so he liked a little striptease dancing. We’ve done it before, I’ll just give it to him that way more often.

But then one night after what I thought was a glorious bout of lovemaking, {from his intensity, it was assumed to be a valid thought that he too was more than satisfied}, He climbs out of bed and heads straight to the office and computer. In the morning, I found out htat he went directly to the porn site! You mean I was not enough for him?!!! Even after what we did last night!!!!!

So I began to cruise the porn sites myself, “I hope that he finds out!” How will HE feel, when he sees that I am being turned on by other men? But it didn’t make me feel any better. Perhaps, because I would delete my visits so that when mychildren used the computer they would not see where I had been. He never had to worry about tht on his side because the kids never went on his side. It has always been understood that his side was only accessible to him, even if he did not have a password. So when, I found out tht he visited one site regularly, I decided to become a member and aposter to this site. I went so far as to create an alias, and submit homemade videos and self portraits! They were posted for apx. 1 minute before I threw up and deleted my account and any evidence that I had even enrolled.

After, I found out that he was involved with another relationship, I began to look up old boyfriends. Men I hadn’t seen in over 15 years, and had no idea if they were even still alive. Did not get too far with that one neither. Felt like I was betraying myself.

I went on chat lines, just as an observer, never crossed over into anything other than that, but I was tempted.

You see, it did not matter to me that he had hurt me. It did not matter that I hated him. Somehow, somewhere, even if it was buried deep down below the ruins of my crushed heart, I knew that I still loved him.

Pathetic huh?

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I share a part in this problem too

In yesterdays posting I wrote another part to my saga on my marital problems with my husband. It was entiltled “Yeah, I still love him part 3…but is my love going to be enough?”. Well, last night I thought about the problem that we are having in the sex arena of our life, and I saw that, I too am part of the problem.

You see, our intimacy fiasco did not actually begin AFTER I found out that he was having an affair, it began years before. I am the type of female that loves to snuggle with her partner both in private and in public. I am not saying that I want to grope my husband while standing in the check out line at the grocery store, but there were times when standing there, looking at him, I desired to go up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and inhale his scent. His scent is such an aphrodisiac for me, that there are times when after everyone has left for school and he for work, that I will just lie down on his side of the bed and inhale the scent of him that he left behind.

Well, my husband, after we had been married for a few years, seemed to become embarrassed at such a display of affection. It even extends to when we are at home. It seemed to be okay for him to come up to me while I am in the kitchen, washing dishes or preparing a meal, and to set me on the sink and try to undress me, right in front of the kitchen window, no less. But if I came up to him and fondled him while he was in the living room reaching for a book off of the bookshelf, he would push me away with an “We’re in the LIVING ROOM!” I don’t understand what difference the living room windows and the kitchen windows make, only that one is an objection from me and the other from him.

Okay, as I said, I am an affectionate woman, I love to kiss, and just because I kiss you, does not mean that I am ready to, at that precise moment, tear your clothes off and ravage you. But, it can mean that “Tonight baby, we are going to explode!” For me it is a very necessary form of foreplay. But it hasn’t been the type that my husband wishes to indulge in, and I have been pushed away from him on numerous occasions when I have approached him this way.  He seems to only want the foreplay to occur in the bed.

I say that, because of the rejections I have recieved over the years, and the finding out about the extra-marital affair he had, I too share in this problem. Now, when a sexual encounter might be initiated, I do not give myself freely to him. I tense up out of fear of being rejected. I envision his relationship with “the other woman”, and my heart seems to become a massive stone within me. In my mind I want to give unto my husband unashamedly, but I feel unclean. When I am at home all day, and I long for his touch, I approach him with fear, and  with a “knowledge”, that either, he will not want my touch or that he will get his enjoyment or release, and I will be here in this continual state of heightened sexual frustration!

My mental outlook as to what I will encounter during our love making, or the rejections I have faced could very well, be the reason that I have not achieved an orgasm with my husband, and that is why I can say…

“I share a part in this problem too.”

Yeah, I still Love him…

If you have read anything at all on my weblog, you know that I am married. And you might have even gathered that I am dealing with the fact that my husband has had an affair. He claims that it was only via the internet, yet I do not know if I can really believe him. The fact that he stepped outside of our marriage to another woman period, has undermined any trust that he is truthful with me.

If he would have ended all contact with her the night he found out that I knew about his secret, and had not just cried and pleaded for forgiveness. Then perhaps I could trust him. Even if he had ended things the second time I found out he was still in contact with her. But now, after the third time, do I trust him? Of course not. But do I love him?

Yeah, I still love him….

Carlal

Is there survival after infidelity?

Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if there can not possibly be anything else to come along to make you feel any worse than you already do? I know that you have, and I am there right now.

“What now?” seem to be the question I have on my mind each morning that I awake. It all started in January of this year, and day after day something else has happened that makes me want to throw my hands up and just give in. But, I can’t. I have my children depending on me.

It all started to become clearer one morning late in January as I was looking for a job on the state employment website. My husband told me that he had seen several positions which might interest me as he was searching for a job himself. So after the children were off to school, I accessed his side of the computer to view the jobs he had saved for me to look at.  I then noticed that he had extensive visits to a mailbox which I did not know he even had.

There had been some behavior that had led me to believe that things were not quite kosher with him, so I did not mention this finding to him. Nevertheless, I could not access his link to the employment site. Being that we have eight children, I put my efforts into keeping house for my family, and let the job search go for a few days. Then several days later, my husband left his wallet at home and I found the business card with his access info on it. The unusualness of the username and password made me curious, so I went to the internet site I had found out that he had an email account with and used the exact same codes….. His secret was revealed!

 For over two years he had been having a relationship with some other woman! My world fell apart. Why? Why would he do this? What was wrong with me that he needed to share his life with someone else?

You can imagine that since then, things have been pretty volitile in our house.

We have been married for ten years, but our relationship is almost at its twentieth anniversary.  My husband is eight years my senior, but that never seemed to matter.

After our fourth child together, we decided to get married.  I knew that we had rough spots, but what relationship doesn’t? Yet, I had never been unfaithful to him. Not even by flirting with another male.  Our sex life was great, or so I thought. But for him, it just was not enough. He blames it on our inability to communicate effectively. He says that I make him feel awkwardly shy. This I cannot understand, because my husband is a very intelectual person, much more so than I, and if you asked me quite handsome. At any rate, a breach in my trust for him has developed to a point that even the one area in which we never had any problems before, is no longer satisfying for me.

I love him very much, yet, my sense of betrayal is so overwhelming that I am not sure how much I LIKE him. and because of that, it seems as if every part of our relationship is coming undone.

I believe that marriage is a bond for life, save for the ground of fornication {such as is the case here},yet even so, I am bound to him until death, so that I may not marry another, unless he dies. I do not wish for his death, I want long lives for the both of us.  But I wish for us to have a strong happy life together. But is it possible for us to overcome this breach of trust?

Is there survival after infedelity?

carlal