Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

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Yeah I still love him…Part 4~The things I contemplated in order to “Pay Him Back”!

When I first statred this blog, I was not quite sure where it would take me, and I still am wondering. But, it seems that this has given me a very much needed avenue in which to vent my feelings and to express my hurts. My husband is not aware of this blog, and I am not to sure he would be appreciative of it. But none-the-less, I am writing it, and sorry Bri, but “our dirty laundry”, which you did not want aired has been killing me! You are not there for me to talk to about these things, because your response is always one of anger because I haven’t “gotten over it” and I will hold your indiscretions over your head until the day we die.  I hope that this will not be the case, and that eventually, the pain will heal, but for now, it is a continual painful throb, that seems to have dominated every moment of my life. This blog is the only way that I could find to help release myself from the helplessness I feel while dealing with the agony of deceit.

In this vain I believe tht this weblog is much better than the alternatives I had contemplated these past few months. This weblog is not intended to “Pay Him Back”, but the things I began were.

The first sign of deception was pop ups from porn sites, and the computer catching all kinds of viruses. Then, there were the late into the night visits to the computer because “He could not sleep.” so, one morning after he left for work I accessed his side of the computer, and sure enough, Porn site 1, porn site2, porn site 3, etc. well, I resoned to myself, that’s not all THAT bad. I mean, some of the things I saw him viewing looked quite interesting, and well, I’m not a prude! I wasn’t very angry, so he liked a little striptease dancing. We’ve done it before, I’ll just give it to him that way more often.

But then one night after what I thought was a glorious bout of lovemaking, {from his intensity, it was assumed to be a valid thought that he too was more than satisfied}, He climbs out of bed and heads straight to the office and computer. In the morning, I found out htat he went directly to the porn site! You mean I was not enough for him?!!! Even after what we did last night!!!!!

So I began to cruise the porn sites myself, “I hope that he finds out!” How will HE feel, when he sees that I am being turned on by other men? But it didn’t make me feel any better. Perhaps, because I would delete my visits so that when mychildren used the computer they would not see where I had been. He never had to worry about tht on his side because the kids never went on his side. It has always been understood that his side was only accessible to him, even if he did not have a password. So when, I found out tht he visited one site regularly, I decided to become a member and aposter to this site. I went so far as to create an alias, and submit homemade videos and self portraits! They were posted for apx. 1 minute before I threw up and deleted my account and any evidence that I had even enrolled.

After, I found out that he was involved with another relationship, I began to look up old boyfriends. Men I hadn’t seen in over 15 years, and had no idea if they were even still alive. Did not get too far with that one neither. Felt like I was betraying myself.

I went on chat lines, just as an observer, never crossed over into anything other than that, but I was tempted.

You see, it did not matter to me that he had hurt me. It did not matter that I hated him. Somehow, somewhere, even if it was buried deep down below the ruins of my crushed heart, I knew that I still loved him.

Pathetic huh?

I share a part in this problem too

In yesterdays posting I wrote another part to my saga on my marital problems with my husband. It was entiltled “Yeah, I still love him part 3…but is my love going to be enough?”. Well, last night I thought about the problem that we are having in the sex arena of our life, and I saw that, I too am part of the problem.

You see, our intimacy fiasco did not actually begin AFTER I found out that he was having an affair, it began years before. I am the type of female that loves to snuggle with her partner both in private and in public. I am not saying that I want to grope my husband while standing in the check out line at the grocery store, but there were times when standing there, looking at him, I desired to go up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and inhale his scent. His scent is such an aphrodisiac for me, that there are times when after everyone has left for school and he for work, that I will just lie down on his side of the bed and inhale the scent of him that he left behind.

Well, my husband, after we had been married for a few years, seemed to become embarrassed at such a display of affection. It even extends to when we are at home. It seemed to be okay for him to come up to me while I am in the kitchen, washing dishes or preparing a meal, and to set me on the sink and try to undress me, right in front of the kitchen window, no less. But if I came up to him and fondled him while he was in the living room reaching for a book off of the bookshelf, he would push me away with an “We’re in the LIVING ROOM!” I don’t understand what difference the living room windows and the kitchen windows make, only that one is an objection from me and the other from him.

Okay, as I said, I am an affectionate woman, I love to kiss, and just because I kiss you, does not mean that I am ready to, at that precise moment, tear your clothes off and ravage you. But, it can mean that “Tonight baby, we are going to explode!” For me it is a very necessary form of foreplay. But it hasn’t been the type that my husband wishes to indulge in, and I have been pushed away from him on numerous occasions when I have approached him this way.  He seems to only want the foreplay to occur in the bed.

I say that, because of the rejections I have recieved over the years, and the finding out about the extra-marital affair he had, I too share in this problem. Now, when a sexual encounter might be initiated, I do not give myself freely to him. I tense up out of fear of being rejected. I envision his relationship with “the other woman”, and my heart seems to become a massive stone within me. In my mind I want to give unto my husband unashamedly, but I feel unclean. When I am at home all day, and I long for his touch, I approach him with fear, and  with a “knowledge”, that either, he will not want my touch or that he will get his enjoyment or release, and I will be here in this continual state of heightened sexual frustration!

My mental outlook as to what I will encounter during our love making, or the rejections I have faced could very well, be the reason that I have not achieved an orgasm with my husband, and that is why I can say…

“I share a part in this problem too.”