Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

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I share a part in this problem too

In yesterdays posting I wrote another part to my saga on my marital problems with my husband. It was entiltled “Yeah, I still love him part 3…but is my love going to be enough?”. Well, last night I thought about the problem that we are having in the sex arena of our life, and I saw that, I too am part of the problem.

You see, our intimacy fiasco did not actually begin AFTER I found out that he was having an affair, it began years before. I am the type of female that loves to snuggle with her partner both in private and in public. I am not saying that I want to grope my husband while standing in the check out line at the grocery store, but there were times when standing there, looking at him, I desired to go up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and inhale his scent. His scent is such an aphrodisiac for me, that there are times when after everyone has left for school and he for work, that I will just lie down on his side of the bed and inhale the scent of him that he left behind.

Well, my husband, after we had been married for a few years, seemed to become embarrassed at such a display of affection. It even extends to when we are at home. It seemed to be okay for him to come up to me while I am in the kitchen, washing dishes or preparing a meal, and to set me on the sink and try to undress me, right in front of the kitchen window, no less. But if I came up to him and fondled him while he was in the living room reaching for a book off of the bookshelf, he would push me away with an “We’re in the LIVING ROOM!” I don’t understand what difference the living room windows and the kitchen windows make, only that one is an objection from me and the other from him.

Okay, as I said, I am an affectionate woman, I love to kiss, and just because I kiss you, does not mean that I am ready to, at that precise moment, tear your clothes off and ravage you. But, it can mean that “Tonight baby, we are going to explode!” For me it is a very necessary form of foreplay. But it hasn’t been the type that my husband wishes to indulge in, and I have been pushed away from him on numerous occasions when I have approached him this way.  He seems to only want the foreplay to occur in the bed.

I say that, because of the rejections I have recieved over the years, and the finding out about the extra-marital affair he had, I too share in this problem. Now, when a sexual encounter might be initiated, I do not give myself freely to him. I tense up out of fear of being rejected. I envision his relationship with “the other woman”, and my heart seems to become a massive stone within me. In my mind I want to give unto my husband unashamedly, but I feel unclean. When I am at home all day, and I long for his touch, I approach him with fear, and  with a “knowledge”, that either, he will not want my touch or that he will get his enjoyment or release, and I will be here in this continual state of heightened sexual frustration!

My mental outlook as to what I will encounter during our love making, or the rejections I have faced could very well, be the reason that I have not achieved an orgasm with my husband, and that is why I can say…

“I share a part in this problem too.”

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