Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Archive for random thoughts

Jobless and Frustrated

It’s another Tuesday, and I am deeply frustrated! I have been searching for a job since January without any luck!  You see, I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 18 years, and it seems as if perspective employers do not appreciate this lapse in my employment history. Especially since I do not have a college degree. It does not seem to matter that I was an army reservist and that I was trained as an administrative specialist (secretary). It does not seem as if I can make my resume appealing enough for anyone to employe me.  What makes it worse, is trying to apply for positions online.  It seems as if each time I get to the level of education, and I enter some college course work completed, and not an associates degree, I get booted off of the system.  So I tried the old way, and started pounding the pavement, but all of the major corporations just tell me that I must apply online. Most of the smaller businesses, are already staffed, or my computer knowledge is not up to date. When I was working back in the late 80’s, there were not programs such as excel and powerpoint. Most of you are probably saying, then go back to school. If it were that easy. I have eight children, seven of which are still at home all under the age of seventeen.  My husband lost a good paying job last August, and his new job brings in almost less than one-third of our previous income. He also did not finish his college degree, so he is now in school, trying to make himself more marketable. We just cannot afford for both of us to be in school.

I had worked last year at the local Dunkin’ donuts, but when I started noticing that things were getting worse in my marriage and the way in which it was affecting my children, I quit, thinking that if I was at home again, things would get better between my husband and I.  In the past whenever I would seek employment outside of the home, there was a HUGE objection, from my husband, and even though he did not complain about it this time, he carried an attitude that I could not discern from where it came. Anyways dealing with this seemed to affect my health and I began to have anxiety attacks, which would make me ahve to leave from work early.  So, after discussing it with my husband, about my health and the children’s school grades declining, he okayed my returning home as a stay at home mom. Even though my woring full time was not the cause of our problems, which I later found out, none the less, we are now at a point where our family is in desperate need of another income, and so I am out there job hunting.

I would rather work in an office setting, but since that is not coming to fruition, I have begun applying in retail. The major pullback there is the fact that even though during the interviews the perspective employer seems eager to hire me, I never get a call back. I really believe that it is because of my Sabbath day observence. I faithfully observe Sunday’s as a day of rest In the LORD, and in honoring of my GOD, I do not work on Sundays. All of the jobs which I have interviewed for in the retail field stress that I must be available to work weekends. I am more than willing to work Saturdays, but that does not seem to matter much.

Really, I do not know what to do anymore!  I am so totally frustrated that I just want to cry, but tears will not change a single thing.

Anyways, this si my story and that is why I called it “Jobless and Frustrated”

Carlal.

 

Yeah, I still Love him…2

 

Yeah, I still Love him..

Yesterday, I began my blog on what is recent in my marriage. I would like to thank those of you who want to give me support and encouragement. I think that I would like to continue  on this topic for a little while. My first blog that I posted after, the initial “Hello world” was on the desruction of the world. Well, it was a thought that was actually inspired by what I am personally facing.

Yes, my husband has stepped outside of our marriage, and yes, we are still together. I can’t help it, I really do love the guy!  He may be many  of the things that come to mind when you think of an unfaithful spouse, especially, when the other party has been Nothing but faithful, the entire relationship, but he is still the man I love. At times that makes me sad. It makes me sad because, I can not understand the “why’s” of it all.

I have read marriage counseling books, and they all tell me that I might never understand the “why”. But it seems essential for me to do so.  I need to know if it is something that I am doing wrong. Where is it in my life that I am lacking that makes him feel that he has a need to go outside of our marriage in order to feel complete?  I might have just foud out in January that he has been cheating for two years (or better), but I have known for some time that things just were not right.

We have had classes in our church on marriage and strenghtening them, I attended them. I have spoken with friends and even my husband to find out what it was about me that I could change to bring my husband and I closer together.  My husband used to say that I was not submissive. I believed him. So I read up on the meaning of submission to one’s spouse and found out a lot about myself.  It was true that I was not submissive to the point that I never let him know that I had a different opinion than he did. But I DID  recognize that as the man, he was the head of the household, and that I had to respect him as such. I also found out that being submissinve DID NOT MEAN that I was to be a doormat.

My husband seems to have a problem with strong women. He will deny it, but it really is very obvious in the way that he speaks to and about women.  Most of the time, I do not think that he CAN  recognize that he has an obversion to women in power. And as a result, whenever I would attempt to exert my right to an opinion or view that was in contradiction to his opinion or view, I, in his sight, was trying to dominate him, or to be the man.

Perhaps it was for this reason, that he found himself searching for someone to  make him feel like a man. I don’t know, because in my sight he has always been a man. My husband was when I first met him, as I have often told him”The definition of MAN. If webster dictionary had a picture by the definition of “man”, then there his image would be.”

It was not only his physical characteristics, but hsi sensitivity towards me, as we were dating. His chivalrous ways. The way he would stick up for me with my family, (there was a point when things were strained in my family relationships when we began dating). And yes, even the way he aroused me sexually. No man before him made me feel the way that he did. Where I was weak, he gave me strength. When he was not there, I felt incomplete. He was my Adam, and I thought that I was his Eve.

Yeah, I still Love him….

A world headed for destruction~an age old disease!

In todays society there is a prevailing theme that has destoyed way too many lives.  It is a thought that is inherent in almost, if not all, of our minds, regardless of race, culture or economic status. And it is traced back to the fall of man.

Yes, it first reared its ugly head in the garden of Eden, to the father and mother of all mankind.  It is a very vulgar mindset that has given birth to all of the other defects of the human race. Because of this mindset that is deeply ingrained into man(and woman), societies values and morality is facing such a crisis that many think that there is no return to a world where right is right and wrong is wrong.

There is a disease in the souls of mankind that has to be identified and in my next few posts I will do exactly that.

Carlal.

 

Is there survival after infidelity?

Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if there can not possibly be anything else to come along to make you feel any worse than you already do? I know that you have, and I am there right now.

“What now?” seem to be the question I have on my mind each morning that I awake. It all started in January of this year, and day after day something else has happened that makes me want to throw my hands up and just give in. But, I can’t. I have my children depending on me.

It all started to become clearer one morning late in January as I was looking for a job on the state employment website. My husband told me that he had seen several positions which might interest me as he was searching for a job himself. So after the children were off to school, I accessed his side of the computer to view the jobs he had saved for me to look at.  I then noticed that he had extensive visits to a mailbox which I did not know he even had.

There had been some behavior that had led me to believe that things were not quite kosher with him, so I did not mention this finding to him. Nevertheless, I could not access his link to the employment site. Being that we have eight children, I put my efforts into keeping house for my family, and let the job search go for a few days. Then several days later, my husband left his wallet at home and I found the business card with his access info on it. The unusualness of the username and password made me curious, so I went to the internet site I had found out that he had an email account with and used the exact same codes….. His secret was revealed!

 For over two years he had been having a relationship with some other woman! My world fell apart. Why? Why would he do this? What was wrong with me that he needed to share his life with someone else?

You can imagine that since then, things have been pretty volitile in our house.

We have been married for ten years, but our relationship is almost at its twentieth anniversary.  My husband is eight years my senior, but that never seemed to matter.

After our fourth child together, we decided to get married.  I knew that we had rough spots, but what relationship doesn’t? Yet, I had never been unfaithful to him. Not even by flirting with another male.  Our sex life was great, or so I thought. But for him, it just was not enough. He blames it on our inability to communicate effectively. He says that I make him feel awkwardly shy. This I cannot understand, because my husband is a very intelectual person, much more so than I, and if you asked me quite handsome. At any rate, a breach in my trust for him has developed to a point that even the one area in which we never had any problems before, is no longer satisfying for me.

I love him very much, yet, my sense of betrayal is so overwhelming that I am not sure how much I LIKE him. and because of that, it seems as if every part of our relationship is coming undone.

I believe that marriage is a bond for life, save for the ground of fornication {such as is the case here},yet even so, I am bound to him until death, so that I may not marry another, unless he dies. I do not wish for his death, I want long lives for the both of us.  But I wish for us to have a strong happy life together. But is it possible for us to overcome this breach of trust?

Is there survival after infedelity?

carlal