Carlal’s Weblog

A suburban mom, her family, her life, and her world views.

Archive for relationships

Yeah, I still love him… & I’m smiling again!!!

We did it! Right now I am so happy that I cried! My husband and I made love just like we used to, and we both achieved an orgasm! Seems like something so common, but it really gives me hope.

This time, he tried. He held back and made certain that I was enjoying things also. It was not as powerful as it has been, but it was powerful enough! ūüôā although he did scare me with the magnitude of his release!

What happened to change the course of events, I do not know. All I know is that I had left a message with the kids to tell him that he had to call his mom because, her house was broken into. I had to take our oldest son to The Men’s Warehouse to pick up the tux for tomorrow nights prom. His girlfriends prom is tomorrow. Anyway when we get back, my husbands truck is still in the parking area of our home. I go in and climb up the stairs to our bedroom, and ask him what was going on with his mother. He tells me that it was the other house and not the one she is living in and that he was waiting for me to get home before he left. He was in the office, doing homework. I entered the office and gave him a kiss on the cheek. as I turned to leave, he grabed my hand and stood up. He then proceeded to tell me how good I looked, and pulled me to him and kissed me. A deep sensual kiss. My knees buckled, as I was not expecting this. I kissed him back and he began to run his hands up and down my back, until he captured my head in his hamds and made sure that I melted! He mumbled something about having to check on his mother, and I mumbled something back about it bieng okay for him to leave. But he didn’t move away from me, instead his hands went underneath my shirt and the rest is blissful history!

We talked afterwards, about how hurt I still am, but how much I still love him. He tried to reassure me that he loves only me, and I think that I believe him. He says that he is trying to understand that the magnitude of the pain I feel is not something that I will get over easily, but that he wants to let me know that I am the only person he ever wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He asked me to once again, to forgive him. He said that he does not understand his idiocy, and why he would have done something that he knew would hurt me if I ever found out. He says that he loves me, and yeah, I still love him!

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Yeah, I still Love him…2

 

Yeah, I still Love him..

Yesterday, I began my blog on what is recent in my marriage. I would like to thank those of you who want to give me support and encouragement. I think that I would like to continue¬† on this topic for a little while. My first blog that I posted after, the initial “Hello world” was on the desruction of the world. Well, it was a thought that was actually inspired by what I am personally facing.

Yes, my husband has stepped outside of our marriage, and yes, we are still together. I can’t help it, I really do love the guy!¬† He may be many¬† of the things that come to mind when you think of an unfaithful spouse, especially, when the other party has been Nothing but faithful, the entire relationship, but he is still the man I love. At times that makes me sad. It makes me sad because, I can not understand the “why’s” of it all.

I have read marriage counseling books, and they all tell me that I might never understand the “why”. But it seems essential for me to do so.¬† I need to know if it is something that I am doing wrong. Where is it in my life that I am lacking that makes him feel that he has a need to go outside of our marriage in order to feel complete?¬† I might have just foud out in January that he has been cheating for two years (or better), but I have known for some time that things just were not right.

We have had classes in our church on marriage and strenghtening them, I attended them. I have spoken with friends and even my husband to find out what it was about me that I could change to bring my husband and I closer together.¬† My husband used to say that I was not submissive. I believed him. So I read up on the meaning of submission to one’s spouse and found out a lot about myself.¬† It was true that I was not submissive to the point that I never let¬†him know that I had a different opinion than he did. But I DID¬† recognize that as the man, he was the head of the household, and that I had to respect him as such. I also found out that being submissinve DID NOT MEAN that I was to be a doormat.

My husband seems to have a problem with strong women. He will deny it, but it really is very obvious in the way that he speaks to and about women.  Most of the time, I do not think that he CAN  recognize that he has an obversion to women in power. And as a result, whenever I would attempt to exert my right to an opinion or view that was in contradiction to his opinion or view, I, in his sight, was trying to dominate him, or to be the man.

Perhaps it was for this reason, that he found himself searching for someone to¬† make him feel like a man. I don’t know, because in my sight he has always been a man. My husband was when I first met him, as I have often told him”The definition of MAN. If webster dictionary had a picture by the definition of “man”, then there his image would be.”

It was not only his physical characteristics, but hsi sensitivity towards me, as we were dating. His chivalrous ways. The way he would stick up for me with my family, (there was a point when things were strained in my family relationships when we began dating). And yes, even the way he aroused me sexually. No man before him made me feel the way that he did. Where I was weak, he gave me strength. When he was not there, I felt incomplete. He was my Adam, and I thought that I was his Eve.

Yeah, I still Love him….

Yeah, I still Love him…

If you have read anything at all on my weblog, you know that I am married. And you might have even gathered that I am dealing with the fact that my husband has had an affair. He claims that it was only via the internet, yet I do not know if I can really believe him. The fact that he stepped outside of our marriage to another woman period, has undermined any trust that he is truthful with me.

If he would have ended all contact with her the night he found out that I knew about his secret, and had not just cried and pleaded for forgiveness. Then perhaps I could trust him. Even if he had ended things the second time I found out he was still in contact with her. But now, after the third time, do I trust him? Of course not. But do I love him?

Yeah, I still love him….

Carlal

A world headed for destruction~an age old disease!

In todays society there is a prevailing theme that has destoyed way too many lives.  It is a thought that is inherent in almost, if not all, of our minds, regardless of race, culture or economic status. And it is traced back to the fall of man.

Yes, it first reared its ugly head in the garden of Eden, to the father and mother of all mankind.  It is a very vulgar mindset that has given birth to all of the other defects of the human race. Because of this mindset that is deeply ingrained into man(and woman), societies values and morality is facing such a crisis that many think that there is no return to a world where right is right and wrong is wrong.

There is a disease in the souls of mankind that has to be identified and in my next few posts I will do exactly that.

Carlal.

 

Is there survival after infidelity?

Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if there can not possibly be anything else to come along to make you feel any worse than you already do? I know that you have, and I am there right now.

“What now?” seem to be the question I have on my mind each morning that I awake. It all started in January of this year, and day after day something else has happened that makes me want¬†to throw my hands up and just give in. But, I can’t. I have my children depending on me.

It all started to become clearer one morning late in January as I was looking for a job on the state employment website. My husband told me that he had seen several positions which might interest me as he was searching for a job himself. So after the children were off to school, I accessed his side of the computer to view the jobs he had saved for me to look at.  I then noticed that he had extensive visits to a mailbox which I did not know he even had.

There had been some behavior that had led me to believe that things were not quite kosher with him, so I did not mention this finding to him. Nevertheless, I could not access his link to the employment site. Being that we have eight children, I put my efforts into keeping house for my family, and let the job search go for a few days. Then several days later, my husband left his wallet at home and I found the business card with his access info on it. The unusualness of the username and password made me curious, so I went to the internet site I had found out that he had an email account with and used the exact same codes….. His secret was revealed!

 For over two years he had been having a relationship with some other woman! My world fell apart. Why? Why would he do this? What was wrong with me that he needed to share his life with someone else?

You can imagine that since then, things have been pretty volitile in our house.

We have been married for ten years, but our relationship is almost at its twentieth anniversary.  My husband is eight years my senior, but that never seemed to matter.

After our fourth child together, we decided to get married.¬† I knew that we had rough spots, but what relationship doesn’t? Yet, I had never been unfaithful to him. Not even by flirting with another male.¬† Our sex life was great, or so I thought. But for him, it just was not enough. He blames it on our inability to communicate effectively. He says that I make him feel¬†awkwardly shy. This I cannot understand, because my husband is a very intelectual person, much more so than I, and if you asked me quite handsome. At any rate, a breach in my trust for him has developed to a point that even the one area in which we never had any problems before, is no longer satisfying for me.

I love him very much, yet, my sense of betrayal is so overwhelming that I am not sure how much I LIKE him. and because of that, it seems as if every part of our relationship is coming undone.

I believe that marriage is a bond for life, save for the ground of fornication {such as is the case here},yet even so, I am bound to him until death, so that I may not marry another, unless he dies. I do not wish for his death, I want long lives for the both of us.  But I wish for us to have a strong happy life together. But is it possible for us to overcome this breach of trust?

Is there survival after infedelity?

carlal

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is to be my first post. Here I go I am now blogging!

Hello  world! You will know me as Carlal.  I am a mother of eight beautiful children and a wife of one man whom I deeply love.

I have started this blog site because even though there is much love for my husband, there is deep resentment also, and I have a need to express myself.

Our relationship has been a tumultuous one, and not one that many would find appealing nor could understand how it has lasted as long as it has.

I am going to throughout the time I spend formulating this site , take you with me into our past present and hopefully future.

But first, I want to make a statement.

Although at times it may seem as if I am blaming my husband for all of the battles we have encountered in our relationship, that is not how I feel. I am deeply aware that it always takes two to tango, and that no one person is ever without blame.

Men, I implore you to comment on what I write and to help us women to understand you better. Women, do not believe that your “feelings” override your man’s feelings. And both men and women, TRULY CONSIDER your mates feelings and positions on issues.

Be respectful of one another.

Carlal.